I should have my work schedule plotted by moon phases. I admit I have no idea what moon phase we are in at this second, but its a hangnail looking phase instead of the usual full moon phase I already know brings out the weirdos. I have been known to request full moon days off.
Today, I walked to the register to relieve Pam for her break, and a woman brandishing a clear plastic vial asks us to play "Name That Parasite." Yep. She has vial with worms inside it. I refused to play along, because we do not have or sell fecal testing kits...also, what if I was wrong and she treats her dog for the WRONG parasite? I suggested she seek a vet for their expert opinion. Pam immediately volunteers our Asst. Manager to play the guessing game. I couldn't relay to Pam why I didn't want to play the game without the customer overhearing. ASM plays along and diagnoses a tapeworm. I don't know whether the woman stole the worm meds or we were out of them, but she didn't buy any.
I later run into a man who is returning Carharrt bibs. The crotch zipper is broken. He has his receipt and we offer to exchange them, despite the selection being very picked over. He starts going through the bibs and begins sighing that we don't have the size he needs in black, he's very specific that it needs to be black...because his coat is black. The bibs we are returning are encrusted with mud, so I didn't think he'd be very picky what color he could get so long as he was warm while playing in the mud. But he keeps whining about them needing to be black. He finally selects a pair of Artic lined and bitches that they are more expensive. I tell him that he had bought the defective Carhartts at full price and that the entire selection is now 30% off so they would be the same price. It took some doing to convince him of this. I don't understand....be warm...and mismatched---or cold and miserable--really---what breed of idiot is this man?
Near closing time, I run into a lady who expounded quite psychotically about why she likes to pay for things in cash. Not the usual reasons, I'm afraid. Oh, no...she likes to use cash because our bank accounts and our Social Security numbers and our health insurance is all linked due to Obama Care...in some weird gobbledygook scheme that is possibly true, but I couldn't follow the line of reasoning. And that ultimately the government wants to ban all cash transactions so they can better control us all. So, if I do something radical, the government can determine whether I can buy food or not and just close or freeze my access to money. Okay, that part made some kind of sense...but I don't think the American people are ever going to stand for not having a cash option. However, I'd like to have heard her expound on the cash back option and why, then, the government is allowing THAT. And I'd like to have her her explain then, how SHE would buy or sell anything if cash were BANNED and the use of it a felony. I'm sure she couldn't barter her body for anything unless it was to a real freak. She then proceeded to ask Amber K and I if we were religious. I didn't reply. Amber said she Believes. The crazy then asked us to read some passage or other in Revelation...about not being able to buy and sell things and it being the end times...I thought about asking what this mean to Atheists...but thought better of it as I was tired of her brand of crazy at this point.
Amber and I shared a look...and after the lady walked out the door, Amber made an incredulous face and said "No wonder you said you were fine at the registers because you were entertaining yourself."
Yep. All the people were crazies today.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Pet Peeves of Retail
If I ever somehow open my own business, I want to run it like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. You pissed me off, oh well, NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
Here are the things that most commonly piss me off.
1. Customers too busy talking or texting to actually pay attention to what I am saying, what they are doing, and who, because they cannot disconnect for three seconds ultimately hold up the checklanes for their fellow customers. I really think cell phones are becoming mind control for the stupid. Soon they will tell people when to shit and piss.
2. People who can't figure out how to use the credit/debit machine. Not all of these are folks of a certain age. An appalling amount of young people can't be bothered to actually read onscreen prompts and act accordingly. If you are illiterate, please use cash as I am tired of instructing you how to use a machine that a drunk, literate monkey could operate.
3. When I announce "I can help the NEXT person in line" it doesn't mean the last person in line. It means the NEXT person. I seriously nearly yelled at some old biddy today for doing this...the decongestants I am taking do nothing for my tolerance levels. I seriously thought about bludgeoning her with the shirt and peanut brittle she was returning. Who the hell returns unopened boxes of peanut brittle? A rude old lady who smells of Eau d' Skank, that's who.
4. If you use a cart, put it back. If anyone ever wonders why I refuse to get carts in inclement weather, and there are no carts inside, wonder no more. If they're all outside, I figure I can gather them all once, at the end of the night and be done with it. I don't care if they are wet or snow covered. We don't employ cart people. The cashier is supposed to round them up and lots of times, the cashier is too busy dealing with other idiots. I also laugh when I see carts hit the cars in the parking lot. I figure one of these times its got to hit the car of an asshole who won't put a cart back...there are soooooo many.
5. Don't engage me in a 20 minute conversation about your dog/child/chickens while there is a person behind you carrying a 50 pound bag. I don't care and neither does the person behind you. I'm sure your dog/child/chickens are quite fascinating and I'd be happy to listen if only there wasn't a line and I was extremely bored which does happen. Pick your moments.
6. Ever go into a store and wonder why some noise-making part of the item is broken? I can tell you why. Parents won't stop their kids from ringing things such as bells on bikes...I am seriously tempted to break a bell on a tricycle because some idiot let their kid ring it for an hour. I work with another employee who sabotaged a horn on a pedal cart for the same reason.
7. Parents who let their kid carry some item around (that the kid clearly thinks they are going to buy) then takes it away at the register. Just tell the brat "No" in the first place. Being a parent is not a democracy; its a dictatorship.
8. People who complain that I hand their checks back. Sorry. It works like a debit card. I explained this to you when I saw a debit card in your wallet. Debit cards are less time consuming and less expensive to use. It is not my fault you are dumb.
9. People who think I can get them a certain size Carhartt anything in a certain color at the END OF THE SEASON!!!! Yep, I know, its January, and all the signs say 30% OFF, but its because we're getting ready to put away all the winter stuff and start on spring. I can't even special order Carhartts. Period. NOT AVAILABLE FROM THE MANUFACTURER. So you should have bought that ugly bubblegum pink Carhartt jacket and bibs wayyyy back in October when we had them in all sizes.
10. Those who think my register is a shopping cart. Ummm.....no...you can't pile all your crap here...I am trying to work. GO GET A CART!!!!!!!! Or, maybe pile it on the register that is NOT BEING USED!!!!
Here are the things that most commonly piss me off.
1. Customers too busy talking or texting to actually pay attention to what I am saying, what they are doing, and who, because they cannot disconnect for three seconds ultimately hold up the checklanes for their fellow customers. I really think cell phones are becoming mind control for the stupid. Soon they will tell people when to shit and piss.
2. People who can't figure out how to use the credit/debit machine. Not all of these are folks of a certain age. An appalling amount of young people can't be bothered to actually read onscreen prompts and act accordingly. If you are illiterate, please use cash as I am tired of instructing you how to use a machine that a drunk, literate monkey could operate.
3. When I announce "I can help the NEXT person in line" it doesn't mean the last person in line. It means the NEXT person. I seriously nearly yelled at some old biddy today for doing this...the decongestants I am taking do nothing for my tolerance levels. I seriously thought about bludgeoning her with the shirt and peanut brittle she was returning. Who the hell returns unopened boxes of peanut brittle? A rude old lady who smells of Eau d' Skank, that's who.
4. If you use a cart, put it back. If anyone ever wonders why I refuse to get carts in inclement weather, and there are no carts inside, wonder no more. If they're all outside, I figure I can gather them all once, at the end of the night and be done with it. I don't care if they are wet or snow covered. We don't employ cart people. The cashier is supposed to round them up and lots of times, the cashier is too busy dealing with other idiots. I also laugh when I see carts hit the cars in the parking lot. I figure one of these times its got to hit the car of an asshole who won't put a cart back...there are soooooo many.
5. Don't engage me in a 20 minute conversation about your dog/child/chickens while there is a person behind you carrying a 50 pound bag. I don't care and neither does the person behind you. I'm sure your dog/child/chickens are quite fascinating and I'd be happy to listen if only there wasn't a line and I was extremely bored which does happen. Pick your moments.
6. Ever go into a store and wonder why some noise-making part of the item is broken? I can tell you why. Parents won't stop their kids from ringing things such as bells on bikes...I am seriously tempted to break a bell on a tricycle because some idiot let their kid ring it for an hour. I work with another employee who sabotaged a horn on a pedal cart for the same reason.
7. Parents who let their kid carry some item around (that the kid clearly thinks they are going to buy) then takes it away at the register. Just tell the brat "No" in the first place. Being a parent is not a democracy; its a dictatorship.
8. People who complain that I hand their checks back. Sorry. It works like a debit card. I explained this to you when I saw a debit card in your wallet. Debit cards are less time consuming and less expensive to use. It is not my fault you are dumb.
9. People who think I can get them a certain size Carhartt anything in a certain color at the END OF THE SEASON!!!! Yep, I know, its January, and all the signs say 30% OFF, but its because we're getting ready to put away all the winter stuff and start on spring. I can't even special order Carhartts. Period. NOT AVAILABLE FROM THE MANUFACTURER. So you should have bought that ugly bubblegum pink Carhartt jacket and bibs wayyyy back in October when we had them in all sizes.
10. Those who think my register is a shopping cart. Ummm.....no...you can't pile all your crap here...I am trying to work. GO GET A CART!!!!!!!! Or, maybe pile it on the register that is NOT BEING USED!!!!
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