Pet Peeves of Retail

If I ever somehow open my own business, I want to run it like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld.  You pissed me off, oh well, NO SOUP FOR YOU!!! 

Here are the things that most commonly piss me off.


1. Customers too busy talking or texting to actually pay attention to what I am saying, what they are doing, and who, because they cannot disconnect for three seconds ultimately hold up the checklanes for their fellow customers.  I really think cell phones are becoming mind control for the stupid. Soon they will tell people when to shit and piss. 

2.  People who can't figure out how to use the credit/debit machine.  Not all of these are folks of a certain age.  An appalling amount of young people can't be bothered to actually read onscreen prompts and act accordingly.  If you are illiterate, please use cash as I am tired of instructing you how to use a machine that a drunk, literate monkey could operate.

3.  When I announce "I can help the NEXT person in line" it doesn't mean the last person in line. It means the NEXT person.   I seriously nearly yelled at some old biddy today for doing this...the decongestants I am taking do nothing for my tolerance levels.  I seriously thought about bludgeoning her with the shirt and peanut brittle she was returning. Who the hell returns unopened boxes of peanut brittle?  A rude old lady who smells of Eau d' Skank, that's who.

4.  If you use a cart, put it back.  If anyone ever wonders why I refuse to get carts in inclement weather, and there are no carts inside, wonder no more.  If they're all outside, I figure I can gather them all once, at the end of the night and be done with it.  I don't care if they are wet or snow covered. We don't employ cart people. The cashier is supposed to round them up and lots of times, the cashier is too busy dealing with other idiots.  I also laugh when I see carts hit the cars in the parking lot. I figure one of these times its got to hit the car of an asshole who won't put a cart back...there are soooooo many.

5.  Don't engage me in a 20 minute conversation about your dog/child/chickens while there is a person  behind you carrying a 50 pound bag. I don't care and neither does the person behind you.  I'm sure your dog/child/chickens are quite fascinating and I'd be happy to listen if only there wasn't a line and I was extremely bored which does happen. Pick your moments.

6.  Ever go into a store and wonder why some noise-making part of the item is broken?  I can tell you why.  Parents won't stop their kids from ringing things such as bells on bikes...I am seriously tempted to break a bell on a tricycle because some idiot let their kid ring it for an hour.  I work with another employee who sabotaged a horn on a pedal cart for the same reason.

7.  Parents who let their kid carry some item around (that the kid clearly thinks they are going to buy) then takes it away at the register.  Just tell the brat "No" in the first place. Being a parent is not a democracy; its a dictatorship.

8. People who complain that I hand their checks back. Sorry. It works like a debit card. I explained this to you when I saw a debit card in your wallet.  Debit cards are less time consuming and less expensive to use.  It is not my fault you are dumb.

9. People who think I can get them a certain size Carhartt anything in a certain color at the END OF THE SEASON!!!!  Yep, I know, its January, and all the signs say 30% OFF, but its because we're getting ready to put away all the winter stuff and start on spring. I can't even special order Carhartts. Period. NOT AVAILABLE FROM THE MANUFACTURER.  So you should have bought that ugly bubblegum pink Carhartt jacket and bibs wayyyy back in October when we had them in all sizes.

10.  Those who think my register is a shopping cart. Ummm.....no...you can't pile all your crap here...I am trying to work.  GO GET A CART!!!!!!!! Or, maybe pile it on the register that is NOT BEING USED!!!!